Learning: Why?

Hi.

How are you? Doing well? I hope you are.
Perhaps understandably, my last post was a little difficult to write and publish. Part of my stubbornness manifests itself in the form of wanting to seem like I've got it all together. I just want people to see that I can handle the things given to me, and do the tasks assigned to me with finesse.

So this post is even harder. The past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about dating and relationships, and having conversations with a lot of people about those things. After having broken up with my boyfriend of five years in July, I casually dated a new guy. And then that kind of stopped, for various reasons: our personal goals and convictions are different, distance, and some other things I probably don't know about. And while I can reason that this is best, and it is what I actually want, I can't help but feel really deflated.

I've been thinking about that emotion, and telling people "Yeah, we're not gonna date, and that's probably best, but for some reason I'm really bummed." Most everyone just says, "Aw, that's tough. Sorry, " and gives that pity look -- you know the one.

So what? Why am I -- someone who is strong, smart, happy, and blessed -- feeling so helpless?
I think it comes down to how I relate to men.

I look to the men in my life to affirm, love, appreciate, lead, discipline, encourage and support me. Look at those things: they aren't bad, right? All positive elements of a good relationship. Except that the only place that I look for that is in men. Usually one.

Why?
I have a superb group of female friends and leaders, a supportive church family and mother, but for whatever reason, their attempts to fill those roles for me just seem to fall flat. Why?

Much to my dismay, I don't have the answer to that question. But I'm thinking about it, and praying about it. If you have any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them. It's gettin' real! Until next time, friends.

On Being Sincere

I've been thinking about language, lately. (English major, shocker!) One of the things that people really enjoy doing is correcting your use of language. When they ask how you're doing and you reply with "I'm doing good," they correct you with "Don't you mean you're 'doing well'?" A little grammar, that they feel like they are helping you with, right? (Just let me speak!) Or maybe you yell "I HATE STUPID DRIVERS!" while you are caught in traffic, and they ask "Do you really hate those people? Are you sure you aren't just frustrated with the situation?" (These people may also deserve an eye roll. Don't judge my driving habits!) They are questioning your sincerity, which may or may not be a valid question.

That's kind of the idea I've been stuck on recently. I say I love a lot of things. I'm talking a huge range, from "I love mint chocolate chip ice cream" to "I love your laugh." And I was thinking to myself, I need to be more aware of how I'm using that word, love. I can't just love everything, all the time! That's ridiculous.  But is it? Is it inaccurate for me to say that I love it when a friend uses my full name when they talk to me? Is it wrong to say I love the way the sun beams into my window right before it sets?

I don't think so. When I say I love something, I really, actually do. And a lot of times, when I tell someone I love something they do, or a conversation we're having, or a situation we're in, or something that is part of their personality, as cheesy at it might sound, I actually mean that I love them. I'm not talking romantically here, though. Love like the way you love your best friend, or your parents or siblings (when they aren't driving you crazy). Just truly, sincerely thinking that someone you know is a really awesome person who you want to be around as much as you can.

It seems to me that people are afraid of that in our generation. We don't want to say that we love anyone. Why? Are we afraid of rejection? That they might think we're weird, or awkward? I'm over that, people. I love my friends. They are weird, and nerdy, and hilarious, and honest, and caring, and crazy, and all around, the most phenomenal people I've ever known.

You know what I mean? :)