21 November 2011

Learning: Why?


How are you? Doing well? I hope you are.
Perhaps understandably, my last post was a little difficult to write and publish. Part of my stubbornness manifests itself in the form of wanting to seem like I've got it all together. I just want people to see that I can handle the things given to me, and do the tasks assigned to me with finesse.

So this post is even harder. The past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about dating and relationships, and having conversations with a lot of people about those things. After having broken up with my boyfriend of five years in July, I casually dated a new guy. And then that kind of stopped, for various reasons: our personal goals and convictions are different, distance, and some other things I probably don't know about. And while I can reason that this is best, and it is what I actually want, I can't help but feel really deflated.

I've been thinking about that emotion, and telling people "Yeah, we're not gonna date, and that's probably best, but for some reason I'm really bummed." Most everyone just says, "Aw, that's tough. Sorry, " and gives that pity look -- you know the one.

So what? Why am I -- someone who is strong, smart, happy, and blessed -- feeling so helpless?
I think it comes down to how I relate to men.

I look to the men in my life to affirm, love, appreciate, lead, discipline, encourage and support me. Look at those things: they aren't bad, right? All positive elements of a good relationship. Except that the only place that I look for that is in men. Usually one.

I have a superb group of female friends and leaders, a supportive church family and mother, but for whatever reason, their attempts to fill those roles for me just seem to fall flat. Why?

Much to my dismay, I don't have the answer to that question. But I'm thinking about it, and praying about it. If you have any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them. It's gettin' real! Until next time, friends.


  1. Thanks for reading, Ashley. Knowing that being real is helping is really encouraging to me. Thanks!